


The Long Con

by orphan_account



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 21:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah's in too deep with Rachel and doesn't know where to turn. Companion piece to Mimesis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Long Con

Sarah doesn’t mean for it to happen. It started out as just another con, a ploy. She’d seen the way Rachel looked at her, felt it, and somehow she knew.

She could use herself to get Kira back. 

She didn’t – tried not to – care about the reality of it; _I’m shagging my clone_ was too much, too far, but this was Kira she was talking about. She’d do anything. 

What she didn’t expect was to actually fall for her. Set aside the fact that Rachel’s so not her type, prim and proper, done up, with a bloody posh accent and perfect hair. Sarah couldn’t have found someone more different from her if she’d tried. And Rachel could be cruel, using her position, her power over Sarah, openly reveling in the control. It made Sarah want to scream.

But then, slowly, Rachel’s edges started to soften – and, Sarah admits to herself, hers did too. They’re two pieces of sandpaper, scratching against each other, rubbing and burning and taking and hurting, but at the end of each day they’re both worn down a little more. Less grit, softer edges; two pieces cut from the same cloth. Rachel’s small, contented sighs find their way into Sarah’s heart and they won’t let go. Underneath it all, Sarah can see a kindness in Rachel, one that’s been buried and compressed by too many years and too many tests. She latches onto those moments, those little looks and sighs, so that even when Rachel’s throwing her under the bus or laughing in her face, all Sarah sees is the person Rachel could be; she wonders what she’ll have to do to bring it out.

It’s that – planning for the future – that’s really the first sign that she’s in over her head.

Still. Still – this is her clone she’s talking about. It’s wrong. Rachel rambled (something she thought Rachel would never do - and even more, that she'd know about it, find it endearing) about recognition and mirroring and studies that show people are more likely to rate faces similar to their own structure as attractive. But none of that seems to help, soothe the shame Sarah knows she should feel.

Knowing she should feel it and actually feeling that way are, apparently, two very different things.

When they’d gotten Kira back, smashing their way in, Sarah had promised herself it was over. She was done; she’d gotten what she wanted. Sarah pretends that getting what she wanted means getting Kira. She’s acutely aware that sleeping with Rachel didn’t actually give her the insights she needed. They would have gotten Kira back either way. But, she tells herself, at least she’s longer beholden to Rachel and their trysts. 

She’s finally free.

And yet, she knows she wants to go back, can feel the pull of it. There’s no one she can talk to about it, though. No one knows what she did; they'd assumed she was prowling the streets when she went out at night. “I’m going to get Kira,” was what she’d said on the first night, and left it at that. But her feelings are threatening to bubble up now and she knows she needs to talk them out, work through it with someone, anyone. Sarah goes through her mental list:

Cosima: would be empathetic, probably, but far to interested in the science of it, the biology of her being in love with her own clone. Pass.

Delphine: would understand where Sarah’s coming from, falling for the person you’re trying to force into something, but Sarah’s not convinced that’s what Delphine actually feels, no matter how many hours she stays up looking for a cure or the way she holds Cosima as she cries. Pass.

Mrs S: Sarah’s not sure about her yet, has accepted her back into her life but, like Delphine, her entire existence seems tainted now by the reach of Dyad, and Sarah can barely look her in the eye, let alone trust her with something like this. Pass.

Paul: why does she keep doing this? Pass.

Felix: would be there for her like he always is, but Sarah’s supposed to be protecting him, even from her. Pass.

Alison: Sarah noticed the way Alison looked at her, sometimes, when she was being Beth. She saw a letter once, in Alison’s house, with Beth’s handwriting on the envelope. She’d tried to bring it up over tequila but Alison had clammed up so completely and severely that Sarah knew she’d never bring it up again. Pass.

Everyone else was either gone or dead or really, really wouldn’t understand.

She tells herself she needs someone to talk to so they can pull her back, tell her she’s crazy and maybe that will put a stop to it before she gives herself away, confesses her feelings to Rachel and loses any leverage she’s got – because, at the very least, she’s nearly sure Rachel feels the same way.

She knows what she really wants is for someone to give her permission to give in.

A week later and completely unbidden, Sarah goes back.


End file.
